Dealing with Telepathic Problems
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition,
with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6
"If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words,
leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet." Matthew 10:P14
As a human being, it can be easy to say "You're mad, but I don't care, get over it", forget about it, and move on with your life.
But have you ever made someone mad and you don't know why--and they won't tell you?? It's frustrating, isn't it? I call these "Telepathic Problems", because clearly, we are all mind readers and can use that power to figure it out.
It's easy to take the human being fork in the road in these cases, because it's easier and causes less anxiety when we just turn off that Compassion switch and turn on the "ignore" switch.
What about when you're a Christian and the person won't give you an answer? You have NO idea why they're upset/angry/peeved/etc with or at you, and when you try to find out why, they give you generic answers like "You should know", "Take a moment of reflection, you'll figure it out", "Why don't you just ask so-and-so"--things like that. Or, they just don't give you an answer at all. Again, it's like they expect you to telepathically glean from them what the problem is.
When is it okay to just write them off and be done with it?
Well, technically, you can't. You still have to love them. However, there's good news--you don't have to suffer for it.
My example of this situation (and the inspiration for this blog entry) is a person from my work. They suddenly became cold towards me a few weeks ago, and I didn't know why. At first, I thought I was imagining it. Then, as time went on and I continued to speak to them and receive the cold shoulder, I realized that it wasn't in my head. I have asked several times either why they don't like me anymore or why they're mad at me, and I haven't gotten a straight answer. At first, I was asking in a light-hearted way, trying to alleviate the tension; however, the last couple of times and just this morning I asked again what I had done, more earnestly. The answer they gave me this morning was "Take a moment to reflect", and that's when it hit me like a brick wall: they weren't ever, ever going to tell me.
And that is when my good intentions died of starvation and the anger flared up and the devil had a chance to get under my skin: "Oh, I'm sorry, I seem to have left my powers of telepathy in my other pants. *I* need to take a moment to reflect? *I* have to try and figure this out? *I* have to sit here and think about over three weeks of interactions with you and try and pick out the one little thing that just might have possibly pissed you off?? Well screw that because I'm a grown-@$$ woman and I don't have time for your petty crap. Why don't YOU take a moment to reflect on the fact that the world doesn't revolve around you. Why don't YOU take a moment to reflect on the fact that I have just as busy of a work day and life as you do--maybe even more--and that I can't remember every little thing. Why don't YOU take a moment to reflect on the fact that just because something is important to you, doesn't mean that everybody else and their mother thinks the same way?!?"
*deep, deep breath*
So none of that actually came out of my mouth or was communicated to the person in any way. But, it did go through my head. We can try and control what we think as much as we want, but sometimes, that filter simply breaks down.
Even though that rant is unloving, non-Christ-like, and not even remotely Christian, there is some truth to it. Put in a nice way, I basically said that the person who is mad at me and won't tell me why should take their own advice and take a moment to reflect (removing the plank, if you will). I have a life outside of work, just like they do. Even if I didn't, I still have a lot of work that I do in a day, many people to whom I speak, and a lot of things that take precedence in my thoughts. If I'm continuing to ask why it is they're upset with me, and it's been over two weeks, I clearly don't know or remember what I did. Whatever it is I did or said to them is not in the front of my brain, or was so quick or insignificant to me that it doesn't even register on my radar. Taking a moment to "reflect" isn't going to suddenly give me an "Ah HA!" moment.
There are, at a minimum, two ways to deal with this that fall within the Christ-like spectrum.
For work purposes, you have to decide whether or not this is going to affect your job. If the person is your supervisor or manager, you may have to get your mutual boss or HR involved if they are making it difficult for you to do your job. For family or other social purposes, you have to decide whether or not this is going to affect your living situation or your child/children's welfare (if you have any).
Option #1:
Ask the person not face-to-face what it is you have done. Maybe the reason that they haven't told you is because they're afraid it'll start an argument or cause more issues. Send them an email or text and ask, "What have I done to offend you?" Explain that you've asked a couple times and haven't gotten an answer, and that you are using this medium to try and alleviate any uncomfortable or upset feelings.
Do: Tell them that you want things to be okay between you. Tell them that you can see that they're hurt and want a chance to apologize.
Don't: Don't tell them that their refusal and hold out is just causing more issues. Don't call them childish, juvenile, or anything else disrespectful.
If and when they tell you what the problem is, simply apologize. Don't try and defend yourself, and keep it short. A good template: "I'm very sorry that (what I did/what I said) (hurt/offended/upset) you. That was never my intention. I hope you can forgive me."
What if the thing that you did was something that you had to do? For example, what if my coworker is upset with me because an analytic report I ran for the department caused them to get written up or otherwise disciplined? What if your coworker is mad at you because you told your boss that they were breaking some sort of departmental or company rule? That may even be the reason that they are avoiding answering the "what did I do to upset you" question. None of us should have to apologize for doing our jobs or maintaining honesty in the workplace. In these types of cases, just say "I'm sorry you're upset, and I hope you can forgive me" and leave it at that.
Things not to include in your response: "I'm sorry that you feel that way." "That's not so bad, I wish you would've told me sooner." "Is that it??"
Remember, you're trying to alleviate the problem--it's not about being right or wrong, it's about the fact that something you did or said, intentionally or not, bothered them, and you have to respect that. Don't demean them or belittle their feelings.
Option #2: (also to be used if Option #1 fails)
Stop asking or trying to find out what the issue is and just drop it all together. At the most, continue to speak to the person as you normally would. At the least, be civil--say good morning, ask them if they want to order lunch if you're planning a group order, say good night or have a good weekend when you or they are leaving, smile and say hi when you pass in the hallway, things that like. Just be a decent co-worker, don't single them out for negative things, and treat them the way you would as if they weren't upset with you.
Some people reading this: Wait WHAAAAAAAT?!? Isn't ignoring the problem non-Christ-like? Would JESUS ignore this coworker?!? HOW DARE YOU, LEANNE?!?!
Okay, slow your roll. Part of the reason that this is a good, Christ-like option is because you are emulating Christ by treating the person decently, regardless of how they treat you. The other person is not going to be able to ignore that. One of two things will happen: one, they will approach you and talk about what happened; two, they will forget about it and start responding back to you in a positive way.
That isn't, however, always the case. Believe it or not, there are some people in the world that you simply are not going to be able to please. Sometimes, Option #2 is the best option because the person treating you coldly simply doesn't care about getting an apology from you. They are simply choosing to treat you the way they are, for whatever reason--drama, self-satisfaction, whatever. Or, like I mentioned in Option #1, the reason they won't tell you is because they got in trouble, either directly or indirectly, because of you.
Chasing after someone and begging for an answer is not humility, it is not servitude, and it is not Christ-like. I have made my peace with the situation involving my coworker--I have made it clear I don't know what I have done, they have made it clear that they do not plan on telling me, so I am going to continue to treat them kindly. In the end, it's not about who is right or wrong, it's about showing God's love through my own actions.
